Tonight, I'm feeling rather lonely...

It's the time of banquet asks here at Bryan, and though I have been asked to banquet by one of my best guy friends here, and I just finished helping my "brother" do his epic banquet ask for my roommate, I can't help but feel...well...lonely. During the ask, we passed by a young married couple here at Bryan, and they were taking pictures together. It was so sweet. Here I am, sitting in my room, skipping out on watching Hoodwinked because I said I was going to do homework...and I ended up here. Now I admit, I haven't written anything on here in quite a while, so I kind of owe it to whatever readers I do potentially have to update this every once in a while, but as I pulled up my homework list, I just started feeling this sad, alone feeling. And I'm not completely sure why.

Yes, I feel like Kenshin here, except my word is "nyaa?" and not "oro?"

At the end of the summer, I was very confident in my singleness. I'm like, "Oh, what now? I'm single. I'm waiting patiently for my future spouse, enjoying the friendships that I have and thinking about my future man by not being stupid and dating around. HOORAY SINGLENESS!!!!!" But now I'm back at Bryan, with familiar faces, and the familiar feeling of, "Well, the guys here are so awesome. It would be nice to have a boyfriend. And hey, I have a really good chance of finding him here anyway." I mean, let's face the facts here. I am a sophomore in college now. I'm still technically a teenager, being 19, but 3 months from today, I will be 20 years old, and I've been single this whole time. Never once had a boyfriend, and most of the guys that have taken an interest in me, I just didn't like them back, and it definitely wouldn't have worked out. Most of the guys that I have liked, they saw me as just a friend or a sister, but nothing more. Being thought of as a sister by the amazing ones and being liked by the ones that wouldn't work. You starting to see the pattern here? It makes it seem like I'll never ever find anyone. That I will continue to be liked by the wrong person, and that I'll continue to start liking the wrong guys and end up being just a friend/sister. Is this really going to be the pattern in my life? To live a life of never finding that one guy that will sweep me off my feet, and never share in the adventure of life and pursuit of God with him?

Is this my future?

I don't want to think that it is. I know that God has a plan for us, and sometimes in that plan, it means singleness for life...but I don't want that. I'm a girl. Naturally, I want to find a man. Someone who will take care of me, love me like no one else on the earth will, be a support for me, and be my best friend in the whole world. I want to believe that I will one day have my happily ever after. But the questions are: When will it come? Will it ever come? And then doubts start to sink in and I think, "No, you fool. Look at the pattern of your life so far. It's never going to happen. You're never going to get your happily ever after." And I can guarantee that I'm not the only one who thinks this. 

I've been good with keeping my feelings in check. I see all of my guy friends as just that: my epic guy friends. Two get the special title of "brother" and "big brother" because they are just that special to me. But that is the extent of it. And why? Because I am trying my hardest to guard my heart and not get too emotionally involved to the point where I will get hurt in the "like/love" department. I know how it feels, and trust me, it's painful. I don't want to have to experience that ever again. So I've kept myself from having feelings for anyone. But...what will happen if I fail and start liking someone? I certainly can't tell them how I feel. I believe that it's up to the guy to make the first move, not the girl. Will it end up in the same way that the pattern has been happening? That I am just like a sister to them? Or that I am just a really awesome gal friend and that is the extent of it? I'm sick of this cycle and just want it to break. I want to finally like someone, and it end up being the right person. When can I finally feel like the princess, being rescued by my prince charming?

No chance. No way. Exactly how I feel.

I don't know. Maybe I'll get my happily ever after one day. Until then, I guess I've just got to be patient and wait for it. God will be my comfort when I get so tired of waiting, and I can go to my gal pals for support as well. My dear, sweet prince charming, if you ever happen to read this...could you maybe hurry up and get here? I'm waiting for you, but it's incredibly difficult. I want to go ahead and meet you and hug you and know that I have finally found you. Maybe I have found you but just don't know it. But I can't know it until it's made known to me who you are. So...until then, I'll be here waiting for you like I have been.

~Katherine Grace